I'm a dad, always, for better or worse...

In the last 8 years, I've lived in 3 houses. I've cycled through 3 vehicles. I've used up countless pair of shoes, socks, underwear...I've lost two loved ones. I've spent innumerable hours in front of the computer. All that is gone. All that has left me.

Also, 8 years have passed before me. Time has been frittered, has flitted, has otherwise left the building. My hair is leaving me. My sanity is scouting the exits.

I am learning from all this. It's taken me a long, long time to get it, but as I was just looking at picture of my kids from these last 8 years, I realized something very fundamental (that I'm sure everyone else gets, upfront): My health, my life, my wife...all that may wane, but my children will be ever-with me. They will not divorce me or drop my class. They will not go away in foreclosure or be repossessed.

I find that both wonderful and alarming. It's wonderful that they will always be my progeny, my young'ns. They will always be little chemistry experiments with my DNA and creative ink. They will ever-be...me. On the other hand, it's frightening, for if I screw up on a grand scale (like, say, the 40 years of life prior to their arrival) what then? What if I am an utter failure? If they are to be ever-tied to this sinking ship, what good is that?

See why parents get wrinkles? We worry that we might be the Titanic, setting sail for an epic failure, bringing the kids down with the ship. Ugh.

Errrgggh!

Last night I was thinking of zombies. I had a pretty good idea for a story/novel, nothing innovative, I'm sure (but then, I'm not current on my zombie literature, so I don't really know yet). I'd like to write something first person, intimate, about the woes of a zombie in a world of pink, fleshy types. I don't know the premise as to why he'd be a zombie and those around him would be unaffected, but hey, it's a work in progress. I remember when keeping my hair out of my face was the thing. I had a habit of tossing my head back like a horse trying to keep her mane out of her eyes. If I were to do that now, my neck might snap. Like I have any reason to anyway--I struggle to keep the hair plastered down to the puss and scabs. One week I lost an eyebrow, a whole eyebrow! I was rummaging through a dumpster and lifted my head out of it too suddenly, lost my balance and raked my face from ear to scalp. That's just it. Pinks don't realize how hard it is keeping your footing when you don't have the blood pressure to even think straight. They laugh when I shuffle. They make fun of me for holding my arms out at my sides or in front of me to break my fall. Every fall takes another layer of turf with it. I saw one old gray a while back that had his elbow hacked open to the bone. Didn't even phase him, but I could tell his bicep was about to just slough off. I don't know. It's just (oddly) amusing to me to think like a zombie. Maybe it's Halloween coming. Maybe it's the way I feel as I roam the halls at work. Maybe it's the people that populate too many seats in classes.

Hey, where 'you at?

It's been too long since I've been here, about 2 weeks, in fact.

Frustration levels with students continue to rise; it seems to correlate with the effort I put in. I am less concerned on days I just generally prepare--much MORE worked up on days I put 3 hrs prep into things only to have people (mentally) dozing off.

Regardless, I love my job.
I love my family.
I love my life.

It's all good--just not too newsworthy right now. (And, I don't have a free moment to even BLOG).

*sigh*

Horse...water...drink

You know the old saw: you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

This is what I am resigning myself to this week when I am giving out what I consider to be my very best content lectures of the year. People are doing their nails, doing their other homework, doing time like convicts....doing anything to really keep from engaging in the content.

I'd say 1/4 of any given class did not even have pen/paper out to take notes. I consider this the greatest showing of disrespect, as if to say, "You're not even going to say anything noteworthy in these three hours."

The material was on research, and what I shared with classes has saved me literally thousands of hours of agonizing research. I'm offering them tips and techniques to have research automated, where search results are constantly piped directly to the researcher who bothers to set up RSS or GoogleAlerts. I told them how to use databases better, how to build a smarter search, how to outsmart Google itself. All of it was good stuff. I know it was all lecture, and I know the research paper is over a month away, but man....what a heart breaker to face such utter apathy for 3 full hours.

*sigh*