Being overwhelmed for a night or weekend is tolerable. Being in this state for months, well...it creates a sinking sensation to say the least. Knowing that you are stuck in a rut and you can't get out of it is very heavy on the heart. Forcing euphoria and enthusiasm is only short lived, then when the party is pooped, darkness descends. It takes an enormous amount of energy to ramp back up for the next week, to sustain an impression, and thus, the crashes are all the darker and deeper when they happen.
I'm tired. I'm on cold medication making me more tired. I'm overdue for a nap, in fact, but cannot sleep due to a cough. I was up most of the night entertaining ideas and fighting off this overwhelming gloom of being too far behind to ever catch up, realizing even if I do, it will continue to mount up; even if I were on top of all that, even teaching a double load my earning potential is only half what our family needs. THAT gets very overwhelming, combining work and money.
At least when I hit the wall I just curl up and sleep. Used to be, I'd literally hit the wall, throw things, break knuckles and the like. Now I just melt into me and shut the whole world out.
ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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1 comment:
Your life sounds a lot like mine..I am always in this feeling..and I dont ever think it will go away.
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