Busted

[whine alert]

Hand to mouth. Paycheck to paycheck. I looked back through at least six months of this blog, and it's been at least that long since I vented on this subject here. I do recall someone back when who jumped me about such whining, claiming I likely made twice what they did, that I should have no reason to carry on so...

But I do. I venture that I've had good genes, good education, good opportunity, yet here I sit in a job that's got no room for advancement. There's no external, monetary incentive here to do great work. There's no merit pay or even much evaluation of performance. (My peers are up in arms about the prospect of such things, claiming that education cannot be parsed out and calculated like the processing of so many widgets.)

So why don't I just clock out, punch out, go home, shrug off the albatross or noose and just play with the kids more? I guess I just want to do my dead level best. My wife thinks I try too hard. I tell her that if I didn't, then students would see through me and mutiny ("What's he know? He's a farm kid from Ulysses, for cryin' outloud.")

I wouldn't be so moved by money if it were not that we are in dire straights. Nine people live in our house. It's a two bedroom house with a converted garage. Six of us sleep on air mattresses in the basement. We don't even own a car; instead we borrow and mooch vehicles from family. We cannot even pay all our own bills, depending on the fixed income and limited resources of our housemates and family to help round out the utilities and groceries. I feel ill if I pay $10 for a bunch of socks. Most all my wardrobe is from Goodwill. My kids think hand-me-downs and thrift store clothes are just the norm. I don't even own a lap top or mobile device at all. The closest I have is a 5 year old iPod that was given to me by the college for training and deployment.

There's just too much I want to do for my kids to be living like this. I want to give them a good life. I want them to never be embarrassed by our situation. I want them to see the coast, to go on vacations, to be able to afford new shoes sometime.

Just writing all this makes me furious and depressed. GROWL. *sigh*