Heebie Jeebies

I wonder about the origins of the phrase "Heebie Jeebies," don't you? Regardless, I've got 'em in aces today, for tonight is another TMU concert and I've got to play a vibraphone (like a xylophone that echoes). Otherwise, I'm not that uptight, not more than for any other show.

You'd think I could control my anxiety; after all, I'm a seasoned speaker and veteran teacher. I'm over 40 for cryin' out loud. Nonetheless, I'm as nervous as a turkey at Thanksgiving (it's the best I could come up with right now, sorry). I'm documenting these fears here, for hereafter, I'm sure I'll look back on the moment and laugh.

For now, however, I feel like I'm going to be revealing my privates for a very discriminating audience. I feel like I did when I took my MA exams. I am more tense than I can ever recall.

The piece in question calls on me not only to pick out two notes at a time on an instrument I do not know (me, who can't read music), but also to follow a script, to recite my lines, to even throw jelly beans at the crowd. We're to be mic'd, a la Janet Jackson (headset mic's), so all my counting and cursing would be broadcast over the auditorium. We're not anticipating a big crowd, but I have sent press information to four newspapers, a dozen radio stations, several online media, etc...so who knows? Maybe it's a slow night in the entertainment world, and we'll pack the house. (?) Our early concerts were usually about balanced between crowd and band members. Last December, however, we had over 100 in the crowd.

For some reason, I'm most concerned about letting down our fearless leader, for this is a piece of his own creation. I want us to give it a good debut. He's confessed that we're less polished than for any concert he's led us into previously, which does nothing to build my confidence. He's usually good at providing members feedback, but Tuesday nothing was said to me, not even "That was excrement, Jarvis." I take this as a very bad sign, as if he's given up on me or just letting me ride. The result, for me, is redoubled effort to do my part well...but I have absolutely no confidence.

A week or so back, I wrote another entry on this experience (when I was not so mortified) at our band blog Open Source Composition. You can access it here, if ever you would want to.

Today, at any rate, I'm just trying to keep the faith. I've been at work since 430am, and our show's at 730pm...hope I can be fresh and alive for that, when the moment arrives.

Meanwhile, I'll fret and smoke and fritter and stew--wow, there are a lot of words for my condition!