Reflections

*sap alert*

It's the end of October, a time of year my Trick or Treat bag is stuffed with jawbreakers, deal-busters, heart ache and mirror-shattering reflection. Irrevocable errors happened here, this date in history, events occurred in haunted houses now bull-dozed away (some of them literally).

Death haunts me in this season, when I feel the chill in the air and curse the ice to be scraped, when I mourn the loss of leaves and stare bleakly at the cold gray days—I remember vividly the last heart-to-heart I had with my late father. I return to that ghastly first Thanksgiving without him, and the funeral just days later. It’s the time of year things happen for a reason: rediscovering the ring my uncle pulled from my dad’s dead fingers and put into my palm, finding an old file box with journal entries from that first year without him. I feel the cold indifference and harsh wind of western Kansas, always pushing against me.

I revisited the campus and office and mentor of SLC, these three letters meaningless to any reader, though forever emblazoned on my soul. It was Service Learning Central, a cause I mistakenly gave my very life’s blood for a decade. I had no life to speak of, and I drove so many people so hard it’s a wonder I have any friends from that era. We did many great things, but the motive is always dubious in my memory and the blinding zeal I once had for it will never return. (Here, anyone who endured that with me is happy!)

It was bizarre to be back in that place at this time, almost five years since I left. I was working early in the morning on the first day of Thanksgiving break when a sheriff called me in the office to give me the bad news about my father. From there it was a whirlwind of decisions, of doors closing, of leaving and moving and mourning not only my loss of my father but also the shattering of my spiritual compass, my driving force. I was without rudder, without a soul it seemed, for the better part of a year.

To stand again in my old office, the birthplace of many great ideas, the forge which burned white hot so often with enthusiasm unbounded…to be me, now, unplugged, in that place that had once been more my home than my house…it was so very odd. I was just in an office, an old paneled and painted humble basement office. Very little of the original furnishings, photos, etc. remained—just enough to bring back a resonance I was not too sure I wanted to feel. I was all at once haunted, then relieved. My wife and three kids were with me there, and I was quickly able to distance myself from myself, to regain my traction and healthy perspective that I’ve worked at for these last few years.

The end of October also screams shrilly of the end of the semester, a time one should be relieved, a time to enjoy some vacation time. I tend (typically) to balloon up with regret and sorrow. I begin, about now, to miss the students I’ve just come to know. I start listing, last week in fact, my many shortcomings this fall that I would like to improve upon for next term (late return of work, not enough emphasis on textbook…). At the turn of the year, I do this same thing with my own self improvement inventory.

I know it’s football season, that it’s the time of scarecrows and bonfires and pumpkin carving fun. I love the color, the crispness, the upcoming Turkey feast! I like nesting for the winter some, not having to mow for a few months. I even like the challenge of getting from point A to point B in the snow, against the elements. Hopefully, whenever I am in the shadow of all the darker memories of this season I can find a focus to celebrate now and then.

Otherwise, it’s pretty grim!