Just one kid

Sometimes I wish I had just one kid.

If I'd read that 10 years ago, I'd be thinking, "Of course. If you must procreate, if you have to make another mouth to feed, stop at just replicating your self and filling your void. Don't go crazy breeding. After all, who wants to hassle and struggle and freak about a herd of kids?"

Now, however, the whole idea generally seems like blasphemy. If we only had one kid, we'd not have all the interest and intrigue magnified by the other three. If we only had one kid, then there would be too much down time. We'd be bored.

The reason I do, however, sometimes long for a single child is simple: any one of them could absorb as much love, attention and instruction as I could offer. Jax, our oldest, has a very fast working mind on overdrive, on crack or steroids! Like me, he has divergent, tangential musements that churn around his head 24/7. Like me, he cannot keep up with all the ideas that flash through. The difference between us is that I do not vocalize all mine. Jax shares his mile-a-minute idea stream freely, constantly. He would be diagnosed as ADHD in school, but we know he's just lively. I cannot listen to all of it. I don't respond fairly to all of it. I miss too much of it, when at work, eating, sleeping, etc. This is not really fair to him, for when he's not rambling, he's narrating his own stories w/characters he creates from toys or from his head. He has elaborate plots for plays and movies. He also has the ability to absorb movies--knowing more catch phrases and movie quotes than I do! I'm sure he's the same way with school and music. I am very full of remorse, for I don't give him enough attention. If he were the only child, like he was for nearly 3 years, even then he might not get enough attention!

Carson offers near-constant companionship. He is insatiable in his curiosity. He's always pointing out insects, mechanical devices, plants and animals--but unlike the annoying stereotype of kids just saying "Why?" a million times, Carson wants to know more. He is getting too smart, even at the age of 4, to settle for a pat answer like "Because the world's food chain depends on ants doing that." He dissects dead animals, studies decomposing mice, pulls bugs off the pickup grill... Carson is analytical, mechanical, and very, very tactile. He cannot be sated when it comes to how the world works or what it is made of. We have talked for hours about exactly that--the planet and what one would encounter if they were to dig it all up. Again, there are not enough hours in the day to satisfy his needs and interests, and when further divided by his siblings and my other obligations, I feel like a terrible parent who slights his children.

Edison is under development. We joke that he is obsessed with food and drink, but I think he's growing through that. He's into fitness, and he wants to compete with his brothers. He does push ups and lifts weights (everything is a weight, from pencils to fence posts). When he runs, his whole upper body twists comically, something I know he's going to outgrow too soon. As I have written previously, recently, Ed is someone I fear I don't know too well due to all of the above distractions, and again, if it were only Ed, then I might be able to give him enough.

Ellision, our almost-one-year-old, is just now becoming an individual on my radar. There's a stage in baby-ness that really starts to get my attention. From birth to about this age, they are just responding to stimuli like any other animal...but about this age, they all become intellectually interactive, making decisions and learning consequences of their choices. They become mobile and 'talkative.' Ella is just now getting there, and if everyone in the house wore a "mommy cam" I still think we'd miss things. This is all the more upsetting since she's the end of the line. No more babies. No more life from the perspective of such novelty and innocence. I am missing so much of it, and even if she were the one and only child, I don't think I could capture it all.

So, there you go....at least 4 reasons for an only child. Then again, in writing and reading over these, it's clear that they may compete for my attention, but I want to give them all my all.